Ok. Here is one of the topics requested by ya’ll. I am starting with the bad(as in my subject line).

This was requested by my long time friend chimeramagazine

How about stuff that bothers you that you keep inside your “crab” shell? :

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As many of you know, my sun sign is Cancer. My rising sign is Aries, so my ability to feel my anger is heightened as well as my assertiveness. I am not a typical Cancer, in that way. However, I do have things I keep hidden under my shell and the Aries adds to my discomfort with being vulnerable. In fact, I keep many things to myself even though it may seem to many that I am an open book.

Since I am going to talk about my intolerances in another requested post, I will stick with the type of things that are hidden under my shell and why. There are many things I keep to myself, but this one speaks to my core.

Most people that know me, irl and online, would tell you that I am very independent and strong and very open about my life. I am, at my core, a strong and resilient person. Many things that bother other people in daily life slide off my back because I don’t take things too seriously. I am very laid back, which makes me a “cool chick” to men I have dated. I don’t ask for much. I don’t seem to need much. But, on the inside I am quite vulnerable and have several habits that protect that part of me very well.

The thing that is at the core of what bothers me is dishonesty. Dishonesty with me and with oneself. I have learned over the years to be more vocal about my feelings when someone is being deceitful or outright telling me lies. But, I will still hold my tongue if I think that the request for honesty will somehow make me more vulnerable when I do not feel safe. I did this with my father for most of my life until about 2 years ago. I have done this is my romantic relationships as well.

My current habit is to make sure folks around me know how important honesty is to me. I talk about it often. This seems to work for the most part. But, because those who I am close to know of my vulnerability they sometimes make choices to hide things from me that they think I cannot handle. This is a big mistake.

I ask for and want honesty. Seriously. I’m not just saying that(which many women do). It has always been the case, and even more so now, that my natural empathic abilities allow me(for better or worse) to pick up on the energy when I am being deceived or lied to. In fact, if someone is deliberately trying to hide things from me I feel it even stronger and can sometimes see/hear/feel what is being withheld.

Just because I don’t confront the person, it should not give them the sense that they have succeeded in keeping things from me. Over the years there have been many people I have “given a pass” because I know they have a hard time dealing with the fact that I know the truth or know they lied and that it hurt me.

This habit has given some the impression that I fear intimacy. That is not the case. Some folks know more about me in a week than other will in a lifetime. What I fear is being deceived. If someone is lying to me or keeping things from me that affect me or our friendship/relationship, etc., then I will shut down in a millisecond and you will be hard pressed to open me back up. A whole part of me will be lost to you and you may never know it. You will never meet that part of me. But, if a person is truly able to be honest and open with me, I open up like a flower that got it’s fill of water and sunshine.

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10 Comments on Post Request MeMe: The Bad, The Good…the Ugly

  1. *warm smile* I’m often the same way with regards to giving people a pass when I know they’ve lied to me. I don’t forget the incident, however. Little lies are often used to cover up big ones, so I start digging normally. 🙂

    *huggles*

    • B.E.M. says:

      I don’t dig. I either give a total pass and brood on my own or confront it head on with, “I feel like you lied about…”

      *hugs*

  2. nightsinge says:

    Seriously. I feel you–especially the last paragraph.

    However, (and I’m fierce about honesty) I do not believe that honesty is an excuse for a lack of tact. To be completely honest about my level of honesty, I will answer the question “does this dress make me look fat?” honestly when my friend is trying it on in the shop. I will not answer it honestly if we’re in the middle of the event.

    So I’m curious to know if there is an honesty/tact intersection for you as well? In the latter example, I would be more likely to say, “honey you’re gorgeous” (everyone is gorgeous, honestly) than give an outright lie. But if pressed…I can’t give an answer that leaves a person hurting while unable to resolve the situation.

    Woops; this is more of a post itself than a response to you. I meant to say that the essence of your post struck my heart and rang true. ;>

    • B.E.M. says:

      🙂

      I love thoughtful responses.

      I believe in being tactful. I am not advocating, nor do I practice brutal honesty…although one of my more insecure friends, who is used to people being indirect or passive aggressive, says I am brutally honest at times. It’s because I tell people the truth when they ask my opinion about substantive issues.

      There is no need to hurt people’s feelings, but there is a way to be tactful and honest. Even when a friend asks, “do I look fat in this?” or something similar.

      concrete ex: a close friend of mine is very heavy. She is comfortable with her weight most of the time and sometimes wears things not knowing(not paying mind to) how they actually look. One day she was wearing what would be legging on anyone else. They are a few sizes too small and on her they stretch out and show her flesh and undies. After a couple of hours moving my apartment, I had to tell her. Imagine if someone had laughed at her when we went to lunch? She simply put on a long sweatshirt and she was fine. She thanked me.

      I understand though, what you mean by telling them something when they can’t change the situation.

      Honestly, if someone is asking you if they look fat in something, they already know the answer or they may have bigger issues. 🙂

      Flip side…if I am doing something that is hurting or putting someone out I want them to tell me so that I can learn and grow. It takes a special friend to tell you what you NEED to hear.

      Sometimes people tell bigger and bigger lies to protect people when that person could have handled the smaller lies and now it’s too late to lay it all on the table.

      This is more of an entire email then a response to your comment. ;p

      • nightsinge says:

        I love thoughtful responses too! Well, thoughtfulness in general, actually. ;>

        From our brief exchange I believe that we are in essence equally ethical. Even though our responses might differ in any given situation, I would trust you and your heart implicitly.

        Some of this is situational for me. If had friends that I have let go because they couldn’t hear what I needed to tell them (addiction problems for instance). I think too there are instances where I keep silent (in the case of a dear friend with atrocious grammar, for instance. I only correct grammar upon agreement with like-minded friends).

        I agree about being up front and am all-too-often labeled as the friend who says what one needs to hear. I have grown to check myself though; what I think people need to hear is not always what they actually need to hear. I try to evaluate carefully in advance.

        • B.E.M. says:

          Grammar and spelling is touchy for many folks. No one wants to be corrected. I have to be careful of that with my BF ‘cuz he pronounces words wrong on purpose all the time so I will correct him. *mumble* He’s a trouble maker.

          I am flattered that you would trust my heart. I feel that I could trust you as well. Isn’t it incredible that virtual strangers can have kindred spirits and know it right away?

          I have also had to confront folks who have addiction problems. That denial is the worst.

          • nightsinge says:

            Exactly! That’s one of the reasons I used the grammar example. However, this friend has started a business and is expanding her client base. Could their impression of her be affected by her grammar, resulting in a loss of business? Do I only ask myself that question as a means to give myself an excuse to mention it to her?

            I do love the friends that I’ve made here. Right before you responded, I was musing about the wonderful folks such as yourself and how I love our ongoing conversations. Would we have become friends had we met in person? Would we spend hours drinking tea and musing about life together?

          • B.E.M. says:

            You are welcome to stop by for tea next time you are in LA. In fact, I extend my futon sofa to any LJ friend who is in town…ok, not ANY…but you get the picture. 🙂

    • fairwells says:

      Cancer Zodiac Sign

      By the way I’m a Cancer too. Gemini Rising. Taurus moon. hehe

  3. fairwells says:

    honesty

    I don’t mind dishonesty. I think people lie all the time, because they’re lying to themselves. I just pick and choose what to believe. If they want to leave, that’s their choice, but I’m not going to push them on it. But I might choose to ignore them and they’ll see it in the expression on my face that I don’t believe them. Despite what I say.

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