Have you ever wondered what it would be like if I stopped being so open?

Have you ever thought about what it would be like if I was not genuinely interested in what you had to say?

Have you ever considered that I may not be there when you need to cry or laugh or talk through all of your stuff?

Have you ever imagined what a friendship with me would be like if I could not offer objective wisdom, but just said, “sorry to hear that” or “cool” each time you needed love from me?

As my friend Josh recently pointed out to me, I give 100% of myself to everyone I interact with. All my life I have given  of myself to each and every person I am friends to…each family member…even strangers in appropriate ways.

What does that look like? If you know me at all, I don’t need to tell you.

I am the one who listens. I am the one who supports. I am the one who gives. I am the one who trusts. I am the one who is gently honest with you. I am the diplomat. I am the one who can get out of my own crap and be there for YOU. I have done this for as long as I have lucid memory.

One day, less than a month ago, a woman who I have become fast friends with said to me, “That must be quite a burden on you.”

My reply, ” Yes. Well it used to be. When I was 16 I sat back in Economics class one day after counseling a friend and wanted to run, cry, scream… I thought…who the hell is there for ME? Who the hell gives me unconditional acceptance?”

I told her that I have more of that in my life now. That I have people who give that to me. That I am ok.

But, you know what?

Tatyanna is not supposed to EVER be grumpy. WHAT? You are in a bad mood. I can’t talk to you today Tatyanna.

Tatyanna is not supposed to have BAD days. I don’t…I am terminally happy all the time…but I have bad moments…I have bad hours. But…when I do and when I express that people freeze! They don’t know how to support me through it. It’s starting to frustrate me.

I am in danger of retreating back to a place where I don’t share myself 100% anymore. Even if it’s just for a week or a month…I would miss out on the rewards of being open to you all, of being there for you, of giving all I have to you.

There are those of you who can give back to me in my moments of neediness and just let it happen, without judgement. You know who you are and  I love you for it and feel blessed.

I woke up today and realized that when I show weakness or angst or that I need something people’s heads spin. They reel and don’t know what to do so they back away, stare at me blankly or ask me what I did with the real Tatyanna.

She is right here…wounds…warts…and all. Ready to give. And receive.

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3 Comments on Ever Wonder What W ould Happen if the Earth Cracked Open Under Your Feet?

  1. Good graciousness, Tat…you don’t HAVE to be 100% happy all the time. I know exactly how you feel about giving other people 100% of you all the time. I’ve been there on more occasions than I can count (and in some cases, care to remember). Everyone is fooling themselves and frankly questionable friends if they can’t be there for you as you’ve been there for them. That’s my problem…I don’t have many people to open up to other than my hubby when something is really bothering me to the point that it makes me ACT grumpy and generally out of sorts. That’s why I come here…to lay it all out so I can make some sense of it with a little help from my friends. I even accept the *hugs* from people who don’t have anything more to say, simply because not everyone knows what to say or how to help. I wouldn’t hold that against them, hon. People generally mean well, but some just don’t have advice or wisdom to give if they’ve never been there/in the same situation.

    As for other people asking you where Tatyanna went when you’re in a foul mood, perhaps they forget that you, too, are HUMAN and are entitled to a bad day or a few hundred. *hugs*

    • B.E.M. says:

      Thanks sweetie. *hug*

      I’m dealing with it. I need today to work our some anger and frustration which was showing up as sadness this morning.

      Your words have helped me.

  2. Anonymous says:

    WOW,

    I can kind a relate. I used to give too much…. it can be very draining, and extremely irritating, You are an awesome , amazing, wonderful, person! Draw some boundaries so you don’t retreat and go away! OMG!!!!

    The world needs you, your friends need you but not at the risk of you losing emotional happiness!

    Draw the line…..give only so much….

    We love you!
    T

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